“hi, and welcome to border’s. is your holiday season going well?”

“my schadenfruede’s off the hook today, but i guess i’ll deal.”

the cashier made no response whatsoever, and seemed to have actually switched off after asking the question. servicebots in action. you;d think they’d gear their greetings towards statements rather than questions if they’re going to ignore you anyhow. silly me, i guess, for assuming transparency is the desired effect.

the thing is, my schadenfreude was off the hook that day, and largely due to the christmas spirit invading my shizz. as we’d walked into borders we were treated to the atonal honkings of an impromptu employee folk band singing christmas standards with actual feeling and actual care. it was sickening. i could envision the employees being asked, nudged by management to, “you know, help out because you play guitar and we really don’t have a budget for entertainment. the company will really appreciate this.” the band played on, and there were no bonuses for their efforts.

on the way out of the store, celine dion glared at us royally from a backlit polymer transparency, wearing an enormous mane of human hair gathered from the scalps of her loving subjects. we paused long enough to stare amusedly at her, but the effect wore off quickly. real regal bearing is difficult to find these days.